The Secret Heart

Originally uploaded by romanlily

Lately I’ve been experiencing the urge to sit down and write. Not because I have something to say but because there are things I’m avoiding saying. I’ve had one post in particular on my mind since the start of September. To be true the post in question contains things I’ve wanted to say for a lot longer, but September 2006 seemed like an appropriate time to publish for many reasons.

I didn’t publish it however. Instead I write about everything BUT what’s really on my mind.

The problem was I am not going to enjoy actually writing this post – the bits I have written so far have had me in tears and tromping round the flat in a fit of rage for half the day. I remember one poem by Seamus Heaney where he likens writing to digging at scabs with a pen. The image stayed with me – one of the few bits of poetry that has – and digging at scabs can only be the best way to describe the process of writing this post which has been sitting in the forefront of my brain for the past five or six months.

Pulling at scabs to get underneath is never a very pleasant experience. Actually viewing what’s underneath is oftentimes even worse.

I also have to face the possibility that once I write this mythic beast of a post I will never want to write anything again. Bright Meadow will have served its purpose and we can all go back to our lives.

And let’s not forget that the end result might be absolutely pants. Meaningful to me and no one else. Not that I write expressly for my audience but, you know, it would be nice if you had fun too.

I am brought to mind of another quote. Stephen King this time:

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than life size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that. The important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dear only to have people not understanding what you said or why you almost cried when you said it”.

So why do I want to share this with you all, my anonymous and not-so-anonymous readers? Why do I struggle to put into words thoughts and feelings that perhaps should remain private? Why do I feel compelled to tell all on the Internet when I can barely tell the same details to my closest loves and family?

Because of the end of the quote I just missed off on purpose:

“That’s the worst – when the secret stays locked not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear”.

I don’t want to be secret any more. I don’t want the pain to stay buried inside. I’ve born it, lived it, hated it for a decade now and i. want. to. share.

I’m just not quite sure how long it’s going to take me to put the words into coherent form. Or how I’m going to look you all in the eye when I’m done.

I always found writing easy before. This time around I’m pulling each word from the darkness and I know the patterns they are forming on the page do not do just to what I really want to say. I’m just not that good a writer. So you’ll just have to read between the lines and be patient with me. I’ve held your attention this long. I beg your indulgence to stay around just a little bit longer. You’re reading my life here and I think it’s nearly time to tell you some of the not-so-pretty bits along with the smiles.

Because in truth it’s the crappy bits that have really made me into the Cas whose words you are reading – I’ve just chosen to only really tell you the happy stuff up till now.

10 thoughts on “The Secret Heart

  1. Honey honey honey…

    Still gonna love ya no matter what you say, or whatever you need to say. Take your time, and we’ll be waiting, when it is ready.


  2. Seconded, with bells on.

    It’s obviously something you need to say 🙂

    I had counselling (as you know) in the last year or so and my ‘therapist’ wouldn’t keep seeing me ’till I had told him the BIG thing that was on my mind. Sometimes just saying it (even if IT is lots of ‘its’) helps.

    (cyber hand holdy-ness)


    (call me if it’s really rubish and you need a hug)

  3. Y’all are angels, thank you. I knew there was a reason I kept you around 😉

    And I wasn’t intending on scaring anyone! Truth be told you’re probably gonna think I’m being a big scare-monger when you finally get the sordid truth because, compared to some, it’s all really rather mundane. That’s part of my point – it all means a LOT to me yet, on the page, it seems so trivial.

    But look on the bright side (pun semi-intended), I through the other side and willing to look at it all in proportion now. I can even laugh at bits of it, which has to be a good sign, right? So really it’s a GOOD thing I’m scaring the crap out of all my friends.

    Yup, really. But keep the huggles coming, because they’re always appreciated 🙂

  4. Yeah, you had me worried there. Now that you’ve said it’s actually trivial, I’m a bit confused! 🙂 Take your time in getting it out. I’ve been subscribed this long, I’m not going anywhere (this time, really!)

  5. When my comment had reached about a 1,000 words I decided not to go on with it.

    The gist of it was, though, that I would advise you to not do it.

    But then again, I’ve long lost any of the angelic qualities I may have once had. Take care, in any case, and good luck.

  6. It’s not trivial if it’s this big to you. In the ‘grand scheme’ maybes, but that does not mean it’s insignificant to you. I played that game for a long time; i.e. it’s not worthy of help or all this trouble ’cause it’s not as bad as X. Well, newsflash. If it feels big and horrible then it is big and horrible. End of.

    More huggles for good measure.


  7. To echo Neko’s sentiments: if it is big to you then it is a big thing.

    We won’t obsess with scale. Just do whatever you need to to get your head straight and we’ll help however we can.

  8. Josh, good to know you’re sticking around this time 😉 And I like to do my bit to confuse people!

    Nils, I’m curious as to what could have been in your 1000 word comment. It’s a bit late to advise me not to do it – I’ve kind of committed with this post! And strangely I feel good about it. Like once you’ve made the decision to do that bungee-jump/quit your job/move to another city, it’s easy. It’s just making that first commitment that is the hard bit. My thanks for the luck though 🙂

    Neko, Dan, Jay – thank you as well. It’s nice to know that y’all are out there wanting to help. Very sweet!

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