Everybody needs a main attraction

You know that antsy feeling where you just kinda drift around the flat, waiting for something happen? You know you want to do something but you just can’t for the life of you think what?

So you end up sitting on the sofa watching three disks of Angel season 3, eating half a box of Cadbury’s Rose’s, and generally feeling fat and sorry for yourself.

Stage two, following inevitably as it does a day-long hung-over binge on Joss Whedon creations, normally involves sitting at the desk, staring at the view, and self-analysing as opposed to actually DOING.

Or perhaps you aren’t familiar with these feelings. Lucky you is all I can say.

I’m sitting here, listening to The Sweet (don’t ask), occasionally getting up and pacing, waiting for life to give me a swift kick in the pants to get me going. Or for me to give life a swift kick to get it going. There should be kicking going on somewhere down the line, of that at least I’m sure. I’ve got all these plans you see. I can tell you exactly what needs to be done yet… I’m not doing it.

Have I rejoined the gym?
No.
Even though I really need to get fit again?
Still no.
Even with the prospect of meeting new people in a few months and wanting to look good?
Um, check previous answer.

Then there’s the whole “going out, having fun” thing. So sure, I went round the Divine M’s last night and had an absolute blast. (Which might, or might not, be something to do with attractive men plying me with me wine for the better part of the evening). But tonight I’ve reverted to full hermit-mode and stood up illyna for a night of dancing – I love dancing!

It seems I get so far and then skedadle back to my little cave waiting for my knight to come rescue me. Because I think that’s the problem here. I want rescuing. I don’t want to have to rescue myself, because rescuing myself is just too much like hard work. I’ve got comfortable in my little routine and it’s a big, scary world out there. I’m not sure I want to challenge the status quo because then…

Eek. Something might actually happen.

Don’t get me wrong: I adore my life right now. My job, whilst it sounds boring, is actually enjoyable (mostly), challenging and involves me making a genuine difference to people’s lives. Plus it pays enough that I have a little extra each month to treat myself – not a lot, but enough. I can’t complain. I have as much of my health as I ever am going to have. Plus I have people around me who I adore and who seem rather fond of me in return. I am honestly, truly, hand-on-my-heart happy with where I am. So why am I antsy? Why, deep down is there a little thought squiwrling away saying “you’re never going to have that happy ever after…”

Why following that is there still the voice that goes “and you don’t deserve it either…”

Crap. I shouldn’t be sitting here waiting for my life to happen, I should be out their living it. I want to go for lunch with my friends and tell them the stories of my nefarious deeds, as opposed to just listening in awe to theirs. Vicarious thrills are all well and good, but something tells me that to personally experience said thrills would be more, well, thrilling.

Just, well, I think I need someone to come give me a kick. Or a kiss. This frog thinks it’s time she turned into a princess.

(And yes I am aware that I seem to be pinning all my hopes for improving my life on getting a man. I know, I know. I really am as self-sufficient as the next girl – just so long as the next girl is some gooey soppy romantic at heart who just wants to be loved. Grrr. Damn my self-esteem for actually existing now and making me think I deserve someone more than just ordinary. It would be so much easier if I was willing to just settle for the first guy who could string a sentence together.)

6 thoughts on “Everybody needs a main attraction

  1. I used to believe that…in happily ever afters. Then I got the hang of happily present. It’s hard to find someone that can pamper you in spite of who you are. Then again, life begins when you know you’re perfectly happy the way you are. When you know no one else can offer you something, life seems to throw you a twist of fate.

    At least in my experience of meeting women. Be happy for yourself. the rest follows like a croaking frog to the prince (at least in your case). 🙂

  2. Honey, I missed you this evening. There was some truely fantastic dance offs that you would have loved!

    And yes, its gone 3.30am, and I am still tipsy. Come out of that cave soon, people (and I) are waiting 🙂

  3. It’s not about “needing a man”, it’s about wanting someone to share your day with. There’s no shame in it.

  4. I’ve learnt, “you’ll only find happiness when you stop looking for it”. As long as you keep looking for it, you will never be content with the present.
    And I think it’s the same with men… The thing is, when you feel you don’t need a man to make you happy, that’s when you’re ready to run into one. I know it sounds lame, but that’s how it worked for me (can I make such a statement at only 24?)

  5. Cas – I can’t tell you how familiar this sounds, except for how I prefer women to men, Buffy to Angel and pie to Roses. I also can’t tell you how effing bitter I was to not have a partner while I was going through the process of giving up the wish to be rescued and deciding that I was worthwhile. Oh my god, was I bitter. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved – who doesn’t want that? Of course, like your other wise commenters said, once I reached that magical state of “I’m pretty awesome and I don’t need a partner – I WANT one, but my life won’t be ruined if it doesn’t happen”, that’s when I got lucky. For me, the first step wasn’t necessarily leaving the cave – the first step was WANTING to. Which, you know, it sounds like you’re all over it! Thus endeth my pompous and unsolicited advice.

  6. Cas Honey,

    There are dancing shoes with your name on at the beloved ‘dinge this saturday….

    come on, you know you wanna…..

    🙂

    N

Leave a Reply