Raindrops on Roses

Perhaps there comes a time in every bloggers life where she needs to sit back and have a long, hard think about what she is writing and who she is writing for. I know I reached that point this past week.

I’ve said before that I don’t care about my audience, that I write for me and that still holds true. I say nothing on this blog that I wouldn’t say to someone’s face if I had to. What you read is what you get in any world, real or virtual (online I’m minus my planet-sized insecurity, but I have a crew of people offline doing their best to cure me of that).

And now I feel I have to hold my tongue.

I guess it had to happen. You get a readership that spans everyone from your father, your colleagues, your friends, to people you went to primary school with and others you have never even met, with a minister thrown in for good measure, not to mention everyone in between – commonsense dictates that you should pull a few punches. Not step outside the bounds too much. Play it nice.

Simply put, I’ve got to face the fact a fair few of the people who might end up reading Bright Meadow are going to think I’m a heathen sinner on the fast track to a firey place where all the sunblock in creation ain’t gonna help me.

Which actually is ok in a bizarre kind of way. So I’d rather not end up in whichever Circle is reserved for infidel bloggers, but I’ll accept I could be way off base with my lifestyle. I’m not going to call people on what they believe just so long as they return the courtesy and don’t outright preach to my face.

(If you just can’t restrain yourself on that score, please take it to email and not the comments – some things should be personal and telling me the way I live my life is wrong? That’s personal).

It doesn’t help that people who say I rock also think I’m going straight to hell, however they’ve made their choices along the way, same as I’ve made mine, and who is to say they are wrong? I try to live my life the best way I can just as they are living theirs. We’re just working off a different script is all.

But just because I don’t talk about my beliefs that often, it doesn’t mean I don’t have them. And at times it doesn’t mean I don’t want to reach into the computer screen and wrap my fingers round the throats of some patronising bigots who’s words I read.

But I don’t say anything.
Because I’m the friendly one.

There are times I am sickened by the people I am involved with, the people I spend time with and the things they say and do behind closed web-doors.

But I don’t say anything.
Because I’m the nice one.

My boss said it true when we were giving a presentation the other day about the work we do: it’s not the situations that get us down – it is the people who disappoint us. The narrow minded, the self absorbed and the ignorant.

Is it wrong for me to want at my little piece of the internet to be friendly, warm, welcoming, peaceful? To be a place where it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, bi or interested in aliens covered in purple polka dots? Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Haven’t-Got-a-Clue, Couldn’t-Care-Less? Black, White, Purple-Polka-Dotted-Alien?

I really don’t care. Just so long as you have a nice word to say to your fellow readers, you are welcome. From the bottom of my heart I mean it. I truly cannot comprehend people who say hurtful things because they can. It escapes me. It depresses me.

Why it should be that the insignificant minority can trample my soul into the dust I do not know. The good should outweigh the bad, but it is the bad that keeps me up at night. I try to surround myself with people who make me soar and somehow the demons keep shouting down my better angels.

And I do not say anything. I do not rock boats. I sensor my own words that are screaming inside my heart because… It is who I am.

But I think there are times I should say things and I don’t because now Bright Meadow is what it is. It isn’t the place to unleash the sarcastic, vitriolic, seething beast within me. I don’t know where that place is, or even if it should exist at all, but I know it isn’t here. And just occasionally I wish that right here, right now, I could say some of the words I have bubbling up inside me.

I want to be able to fight back – to say I feel insulted, hurt, betrayed. Or to call people out for the horrendous things they say to other people – to say no, it’s not alright to say that, being a self-proclaimed cocky bastard is not clever, funny, or sexy. I want not to have to clothe my words in passive/aggressive ramblings written late at night when something has pushed me over the edge. I want not to try and say something nice about someone only to have it thrown back in my face twenty times over by the trolling element.

I want not to be in the situation where I type a response to something someone has said then hesitate over the ‘post’ button, and more often than not reach for the ‘delete’ button. Cas and Bright Meadow have built up a reputation, for better or worse and I don’t want to bring it all tumbling down around my ears because of something I said in an unguarded moment.

But why should I have to be the one who puts a gag on my tongue and my website?

We all choose our words for our audiences and the stages we talk from. It is part of being an adult and part of living in a society. Whilst I truly wouldn’t want it any other way, to borrow words from someone I’ve adored for a long time now – it’s my headspace people and I’m just letting you camp here a while. Just because I’m not saying something it doesn’t mean I’m not thinking it. And if I can restrain myself and refrain from ripping you a new one, why can’t you do the same?

18 thoughts on “Raindrops on Roses

  1. Because people like to hide behind a veil of anonymity.
    Because people don’t think before they act.
    Because people like to make others feel bad when they feel bad already.
    Because people are imperfect.

    And most of all, because some people are just plain mean.

    *hugs*

    You are a wonderfully smart, lovely lady who it brings me pleasure to enjoy the words and images you decide to share with us, the readers.

    Perhaps it’s time to take on another face elsewhere to vent and rant and release. Because in the end, it’s all about that release. Getting the anger off your chest and out of your head.

    Release it so it does not consume you. I’ve kept a private notebook for years (you know, one of those paper ones) with angry scribbles in it that no one has ever read because it’s where I get the anger out. Perhaps it’s time to do the same in whatever form you choose to do it.

    You are awesome. Don’t let the ignorant bastards of the online world get you down. Brush yourself off. Look at your fabulous tattoo in the mirror in your cute green shoes and remember how awesome you are. πŸ™‚

  2. Censoring oneself is almost always bad.
    People who leave nasty comments here or everywhere are not worth your time, dont let them bring you down.
    And if someone doesnt like what you have to say… well, sucks to be them.

  3. Simply put — Don’t be silenced. If a person wants to decry your right to free speech its because he/she is frightened by something you have said. Oh sure they will never admit it to themselves, but they are.

  4. Oh dear. Not sure what’s going on, so not sure what to say. Always how restraint, yes, but don’t let yourself be gagged when you don’t want to.

    Funny, I’ve not yet been in this situation. I wonder why.

    Maybe some anonyblog? Now that they’ve unveiled fake Steve Jobs there’s a position open…

  5. You know what – I feel the same way – whatever you are, whoever, you are what you do – everyone’s different! And the only thing left at the end of the day that matters – is to be nice to each other! Kind, considerate, helpful – that’s the way forward!

  6. I haven’t been following the comment threads here (or anywhere, for that matter) lately, so I’m not sure what you’re referring to. However, if someone said you were going to hell or some such, tell them to, ahem, bugger off. I think you’re a great person, and would love to have you as a friend to hang out with.

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re going to hell.

  7. Even though I have no idea what exactly brought this on, I feel the urge to reassure you that I think (and you can see from the above that it’s not just me) that you are a great person and Brightmeadow is the only weblog I read religiously – because its a bright, happy place where I feel at home. I don’t know you personally/in the ‘real’ world/or however I should be calling that/ but it hurts to see you so up set. I wish you the best of luck in mastering your demons and really hope that you can ignore the negative vibes or turn them into something good. Some people are unable to be nice, positive and generous and that is their problem, not yours. Don’t let them get you down – we’d all miss you too much!

  8. Bright meadow to me is a happy place where there isn’t the snipe and stabbing that prevails. The phrase ‘don’t let the buggers get your down’ simmers up to the front now.

  9. I was going to offer a contract hit as well. πŸ˜‰
    But I don’t know you all that well. hehe

    Though seriously, I can gather a band of very large angry men to storm a house as necessary.

  10. Thank you for your kind offers Surly and peroty, but violence is not the answer. Did you not read the post – it’s all about being nice to people. Though I suppose if you hit them politely that might be ok πŸ˜‰

    Seriously though, thank you all – you’ve been lovely and your kind words have made me smile all day πŸ™‚

  11. Being hurty is nice! Everytime their knee hurts they’ll be reminded to be nice, ergo they will be a better person! πŸ˜€

  12. I think that this post has got you more ‘replies’ than the one in which you asked for them…

    Seriously, I’m wondering whether the personal style isn’t more rewarding in the end… I have a friend who discovered me late and who said: there’s nothing in there about you…

    I think you’ve succeeded in that. Showing who Cas is. Now show who you are, CLK…

    πŸ˜‰

    That’s what blogging, in the end, is all about, I guess.

    (Sorry, for this second, and emotional, comment. But I mean it)

  13. I know violence isn’t always the answer. But sometimes it gets a point across. We could just use big foam mallets.

    Besides, we’d ask politely before we hit them (and during). πŸ˜‰

    I think you’re pretty swell. And just want to help. Take care my dear.

  14. Pingback: Bright Meadow » Plain Wiki’s

  15. Huggles.

    No judging here hun. And will politely kick the butt of anyone who does.

    I agree with what you said and what Renee said- Brightmeadow is one of those great places on the web where there are no Trolls, I can say what I like and know I’ll get funny or helpful replies, and the only disagreements we have are cogent arguments that are purely cerebral, or with jokey vitriol!

    It’s what you make it. Delete the mean gits ( or if it gets you down reading it I’ll come sort your mail for you!) and keep us civil folks.

    More huggles.

  16. Thank you again everybody πŸ™‚

    Neko – If they were here on Bright Meadow I would delete them in a flash. This WILL be a nice place if I have to kill everybody to make it that way! GRRR! Sadly, I don’t have control over all the places that people are evil (though if wishing would make it so). Ah well, I’ll just have to keep setting a good example and hope people get the message eventually πŸ™‚

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