There have been one or two times over the past three decades where life has delivered me some pretty big kicks in the teeth. I make no secret of that and have blogged some of that here over the last ten years. The telling of the stories has, more than once led someone to say “my word, don’t you wish it had happened differently?” and my answer has, time and again, stumped them.
No.
No, I don’t wish a single thing had been different. There is not one single thing I look back on and go “that, I would change”. I am not saying I would want to live it again, and next time around I hope I remember enough not to make the same mistakes, but it happened. I lived. I learned. I moved through it. I am still here.
I firmly believe I am the person I am today in part because of the experiences I have had throughout my life. Change one thing, bad or good, and you have changed the total of my experiences. You have changed me. There are times I am not sure I am the biggest fan of “Me”, but I am a work in progress. A work that will keep going, constantly evolving, continually learning, until the day I take my last breath.
I looked in the mirror the other day I was surprised by what I saw. I saw a future. Once upon a time, within the life time of this blog even, I didn’t see a future. The sheer possibility of reaching 30, and contemplating with something akin to anticipation the next 30, escaped Younger Me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the enormity of it. I could see no pattern my life might fit. So I didn’t think about. I just moved from experience to experience, trying to stay true to my heart and…
You know what?
It has all worked out. The pattern is a little rough around the edges, but I look back and EVERY SINGLE STEP I have taken since the age of 16 has got me to where I am today. It didn’t always make sense at the time. Hell, it doesn’t always make sense when I look back on it now! But EVERYTHING I have done has somehow mixed together into what I am today.
I think I like who I am today.
And more importantly?
I think I am going to like who I am tomorrow even more.
P.S. Remind me I posted this next time I’m having a wibble, ‘kay? Love y’all. Cxxx
So… wow. I read this the other day and wanted to comment and didn’t even know where to start. But here’s a few jumbled thoughts. I admire your ability to accept the bad things in your life; I still have that feeling of wanting to go back and do things differently, even though I recognize that it would change the life I have today. I still nurse the hurt of different episodes that battered my self-esteem or made me feel unloved or unworthy or whatever. And I wish I could see the pattern to my life. I know I serve an important function in helping my parents, but otherwise, I feel kind of adrift and unfulfilled. I can’t figure out what my future should be or even could be. Of course, I’m probably guilty of trying to think way too far ahead, and of not appreciating what I have and do now.
I think I’m officially rambling, so I’ll stop. But I really think it’s great that you’re feeling together and happy with your life. I’m sure I’ll get there one day. I’m still too close to see the pattern, I suppose.
Long before you were born, though you were a twinkle as I had met your mother, I visited my Father in hospital. He was terminally ill and for a long time had been out of it and unable to communicate. Anyway, the drug regime was changed and he became lucid. He said to me “I have no regrets about the way I have lived my life, and I want you promise to do the same”
Well done you for getting there without any help!