The one thing about working in a small company is that there is a DISTINCT lack of RLOs (Random Lust Objects). My life is currently bereft of pretty people who it is appropriate to have inappropriate thoughts about. There was one in the building, then I saw him shuffle down the corridor, and *poof* he lost RLO status. What can I say? I am fickle. I do, however, have a Publishing Crush. He can’t have true RLO status, because he isn’t in my day-to-day life enough. And RLO implies just physical attraction, it doesn’t take into account personality.

So what makes a Publishing Crush? It’s more than just he looks fine. He also has an interesting take on the industry, and I like the way his mind works. I can imagine interesting debates about topics I am passionate about. I love him. I love his mind. I love his shoes.

(I know I am not explaining it well, but shut up. This is my blog 😛 )

So how do you get a Publishing Crush of your very own? Obtaining a Publishing Crush has several key steps. It is important to follow these or else who knows what might happen.

Step One:
Hunt out a suitable crush. Publishing is, in general, made up of moderately attractive, clever, witty, creative types. If this gets your motor running, happy hunting! If you prefer the beefy construction type… Looking else where could improve your chances. Which is not to say beefcakes don’t work in publishing (one ex client in particular *drool*), just that they are not the common sort.

At this stage, it is not necessary to look in too much detail at your potential crushee (PC). Just find one that makes you go “Yum”. At the same time, steer clear of the obvious (wedding rings, constant talking about their partner, showing baby pictures/actual baby in the canteen). We are looking for eligible crushes here, not the unrequited sort. You are perfectly capable of finding unrequitable crushes on your own!

Step Two:
Establish the identity of the PC. Everyone knows everyone in publishing, so this shouldn’t be too hard. But be careful – everyone knows everyone in publishing, so you don’t want word getting out and the PC getting spooked.

Step Three:
Establish the following –
1) current relationship status of the PC
2) sexual orientation of the PC

If both 1 and 2 are favourable, go to the next step. If 1) is not favourable, shelve the PC for know, and move back to Step One and lather/rinse/repeat until a suitable crushee is identified. Do, however, keep your ear to the ground. Status can change and you need to be ready. If 2) is not in your favour, well, use common sense at this point.

Step Four:
Now you have to look a little more closely at your crush. Before you invest any more time and effort, you really do need to establish a few things. If the crush works in your company, you need to make sure that they work in a department that has as little contact with yours as possible. Trust me when I say, work could get awkward if your crush on the guy in production goes sour and you really need to get some changes made to the black plate on the coed and the print deadline is tomorrow and your customer is in Scandinavia and his office is closed because of a bomb and…

The above scenario happened. Dealing with it was possible because the production department liked me.

It is also worth finding out what you can on the grapevine. You’re not randomly picking this chap up in the bar, so take the opportunity to do some reconnaissance.

Step Five:
Now you have a decision to make. You can either take the crush to the next level – Step Six, aka initiate contact. Or you can happily exist in the warm and fuzzy land of “What If”. In this warm and fuzzy land there is no rejection, every date is perfect, he/she feels exactly the same way you do, all is love and fluffy kittens and happily ever after (and hot and steamy sex). What If is a safe place. You can lust from afar whilst you continue your life uninterrupted. I am a big fan of What If. But every now and again, What If can get a little lonely, and a girl has to man up for…

Step Six:
What happens here depends a lot on your personality. Some lucky people are capable of going up to the object of their desires and going “Hi, would you like to go out for a date?” I envy those people with an envy that is as big and green as a very big and green thing. If you are anything like me, Step Six requires you to accept the fact you are pathetic, and get comfortable with the teen school of courting that means drafting in a hapless colleague/friend and getting them to approach the Crush and go “Hi, my friend really likes you…”

What has also been known to work is 1) stalk follow them on twitter and engage in witty banter. 2) Bump into them at a networking event (at this point, thank your lucky stars publishing is a small industry of people who like to socialise. We have LOTS of networking events). 3) Find them a new job and take them out for a congratulatory drink (this one might be just applicable to me 😉 ). 4) Make up your own sneaky scenario. Just make sure you share your ideas!

Be prepared for rejection here. Just because you wouldn’t push him out of bed in the morning, it doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual.

Step Seven:
Have hot and steamy sex and live a warm and fuzzy happy ever after. Or go all the way back to Step One older, wiser, and do it all over again. I’ll admit, Step Seven has the potential to suck. But it can also fun. And think of the fun you’ll all have reading my blogs about the process *wink*

The above post can be read, and hopefully be found useful, by anyone of any gender or orientation in any industry. I am talking about publishing because that is what I know. I will also say that single straight men in publishing who are looking to date are, on the whole, lucky. As an industry, publishing is heavily slanted towards female employees. The particular division of the particular big publishing company that I used to work for was 80% women. Scenes like this aren’t uncommon. A single man walked into the canteen on a Monday, and I tell the truth here, he wasn’t single by Friday. That is not to say that straight men don’t find it hard to find eligible partners in the industry. I know of several who do. But they are rare. Like a rare species, they should be treasured when they are found, protected, and encouraged to…

I’m stopping that analogy right there!