live in such a way you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip

Cas is currently

My bed is really rather comfortable. In fact, for a bed in rented accommodation it is probably one of the best beds I have had the pleasure (and once or twice the bad judgement) to sleep on.

Which is why I felt particularly betrayed when I noticed that it had developed a squeak. It has never squeaked before. Narry a peep from it the entire year. Then, as I said, the other night just when you don’t want your bed to be squeaking it… started squeaking.

In discussion with some friends, it appears that my bed is not alone in exhibiting this phenomena. Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to has noticed that, under certain conditions, beds start squeaking. It has to be said that this is guaranteed to happen when you are living in shared accommodation, ensuring maximum potential embarrassment.

For not only is it bad enough that your flatmates might run into you and your date looking sheepish the next morning in the kitchen. The Global Conspiracy of Bed Manufacturers (GCBM) also means that you have no chance of denying that anything happened. Everyone in the flat is aware of what was going on in what is meant to be private.

So I ask all you Bed Manufacturers out there, why do you have to do it? I am an adult, I am responsible, and I am doing nothing that is against the law. All the parties involved are consenting and ditto on the adult etc. Why do you have to set me up for such public humiliation? I know it is not a personal thing for several reasons:
1) I have never (to my knowledge) met someone who manufactures beds.
2) I have never (to my knowledge) insulted that noble profession.
3) It doesn’t just happen to me – it is a well recognised phenomena
4) I am not egotistical enough to think people go around making beds squeak at inopportune times just to piss me off.

It is because the GCBM has strong moral and ethical views on the whole out-of-wedlock subject?

Also, I am curious – how do you do it? I mean, it’s not just me who’s noticed this, so there has to be a fair few beds out there that exhibit such behaviour. Is it something to do with the natural frequency of the bed-frame?

Um, and is there anyway I can stop it?