The Wednesday Wiggle

This post is brought to you thanks to the nagging of Moose. She has elected herself Motivator-in-Chief and if I don’t blog something to show I am alive I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t start denying me cookies.

Which would be bad as I am in the middle of an inexplicable cookie craving (big, chewy American style cookies). And cucumber. Truly, I have been craving cucumber. My body is behaving very oddly at the moment.

So how am I? I am hanging in there. Things are starting to get back on an even keel but, paradoxically, I am now feeling the need to hide from the internet (this is the first time I have turned my computer on in four days!). This might in part be due to starting back at work this week. I am only doing four hours a day but I am coming home knackered! It takes more mental energy that you realise to work in a busy office, plus I haven’t totally beaten the insomnia so I am still a little behind on sleep. But everyone is being lovely and understanding, so I am starting to get back into the swing of things.

One thing I am not in the swing of is writing. My brain has turned into one big pile of mashed potato – I have the attention span of a labrador puppy and the memory retention of a brain injured goldfish. Some days I am having a hard enough time remembering my name (had to tell someone my email address over the phone today and had to read it off a business card as I couldn’t spell it from memory!), let alone stringing sentences together in a gripping narrative. I am still having ideas and the characters are starting to chatter away in my subconscious again, but I am not quite back to typing the stuff out.

Or being witty on the blog. Sorry. Normally it is easy for me, but writing this has been like pulling teeth and I know it is not really coherent or up to scratch. It will serve its purpose however: I am still here, alive and kicking, albeit a little fuzzy around the edges. I still love y’all and I will be back soon 🙂

Bright Meadow in the Guardian Pie

Bright Meadow in the Guardian Pie We were watching the film Waitress the other week and both had an overwhelming urge to make pie. And to keep saying the word “pie”. Go on, say it. “Pie”. It is just such a lovely, round, tasty sounding word.

While Cas is busy saying the word “pie” over and over with a dreamy look on her face, I shall take over and tell you how I made the pie (this is Moose talking in case you’re worried Cas has suddenly developed a split personality along with everything else). The pie was made in celebration of Bright Meadow getting in the Guardian, hence the name of the pie. *

Ingredients

  • 3/4 pack chocolate Hob Nobs
  • a generous tbsp of soya spread
  • a tsp of golden syrup
  • 40g 70% cocoa chocolate
  • 75g frozen raspberries
  • 75g frozen blackberries
  • a generous tsp ground ginger
  • a tbsp sugar
  • a tbsp cornflour
  • enough custard to cover the top of the pie

Method

  1. Crush the chocolate Hob Nobs
  2. Melt the soya spread, golden syrup and chocolate over a low heat and mix into the crushed Hob Nobs
  3. Pour into a round pie tin and press firmly to form a base and sides
  4. Leave in the fridge to cool and set
  5. Put the raspberries, blackberries, ginger, sugar and cornflour in a saucepan and heat gently until the fruit has softened
  6. Strain the fruit into a separate dish and return the juice back to the pan
  7. Add a little more sugar and reduce over a high heat until you have a thick sauce
  8. Put the fruit into the prepared crust and pour the sauce over
  9. Top with custard
  10. Place in a preheated over at 190C/375F/Gas 5 for approx 20 minutes or until it looks and smells cooked

Tips & Notes

  • Hob Nobs are an oaty biscuit – I can’t think of a direct comparison for our American readers, but a firm, crunchy, oaty cookie with a chocolate coating or chips would work just as well
  • This isn’t a British “pie” – don’t get either of us started on the stupidity of some of the things referred to as “pie” in the film. It’s just tasty, let’s leave it at that
  • You could use something other than soya spread if you so desired, like normal margarine
  • This is delicious hot or cold. The custard doesn’t really set when it’s cooked, so if you do eat it straight from the oven as we did, be prepared for the top of your pie to run away. Once it is chilled, the custard does set

* OK, so you caught me. I made the pie because I wanted to make pie. Cas getting mentioned in the Guardian was just a good excuse.

Impulse Control

I am having a disturbingly intense desire to get inked again. I kid you not – some days, the desire to get another tattoo is overwhelming to the point I am reaching for my coat and front door keys. So far, what is left of my sanity has always stepped up to the plate just in time and reminded me of my personal rule: one year with a fixed idea of design and location before ANY needle touches flesh. Note I am not discounting having more ink, in fact you could probably put money on me having at least two more, but I am doubting the wisdom of getting one right now.

You see, I am depressed, and when I am depressed my self-destructive streak, never buried very deep, bursts forth and jumps up and down, shouting “look at me! look at me!!” The urge to change anything becomes overwhelming. When you cannot control what is going on inside your head, any little thing that you can influence, even a little bit, becomes precious. Hence, I would suppose, tattoos and piercings and their traditional prevalence amongst the more disaffected portions of society. With me, the first sign that things are going to hell in a handcart tends to be when I get bored with my hair, rush into the hairdresser, and go “cut it all off!!!”

Yes, the observant will have noted that I did just that a little over a month ago. Alarm bells were tinkling merrily, I assure you, it just took me a few weeks longer to acknowledge them.

Right now I am vacillating between tattoos, piercings, and continuing with the hair cutting. Tattoos really should be taken off the table. My previous tattoos have all come from places of contentment and joy – positive pieces and I want all my art to be the same. I look at my foot, or my back, and I feel a sense of pride and pleasure and remember all the good that went into the design. If I were to get a tattoo now, whilst I am sure it would be a beautiful piece, I am not sure it would be something I would want to look back on and go “oh yes, that one I got when I was having my mini-mid-twenties-crisis”. I want my tattoos to be something I have contemplated and have meaning beyond an impulse to take control.

Piercings… I could get something pierced I guess. Well, my ears at least a few more times, because I am actually a wimp and the thought of other bits getting pierced wibbles me out. Nothing against it on other people, it can look damn gorgeous, but on me… Wibbles. I have semi toyed with the idea of getting my lower lip pierced in the middle, but in all honesty I do not think it would look good on me, and I am still realistic enough to know that facial piercings are probably not going to go down wonderfully well at job interviews or in the corporate world I am looking to head into. Tattoos you can cover up to some degree. Piercings you might as well not have if you’re constantly taking them out for work. All that aside though, I am having a hard enough time adjusting to the holes I got in the new year. I love them, but I am still experimenting with the right balance of jewellery. What with the short hair and multiple holes, my usual dangly earrings just look wrong, so I am back to studs, and I am still finding the look that I am happy with. Throwing yet MORE places to put pretty bits of silver into the mix would just confuse things!

So piercing looks like it is out as well, which leaves hair cuts/colours.

Woah Nelly. Having been there before with the whole purple, grade 3 all over, psycho lesbian look, can I just say that the past has taught me caution to a certain degree with my hair. Most styles work on me and I know that short looks good, but I have to be SO careful I don’t just go to the hairdresser “get out the clippers…” Again with the having to look vaguely respectable at work. I would trust Peter, my normal hairdresser, not to go too crazy, apart from the fact I have taught him too well that he can do ANYTHING with my hair and I will trust him. I just go in, take my glasses off, and let him work his magic for however long it takes. The results are always amazing, but I am not sure I can rely on him to see beyond my impulse to “have it all off” and go “No, not this time, it’s not what you really want”.

Which leaves me where exactly in my desire to change something, anything about me and my life? It leaves me no where. I do need to get my hair trimmed but I think I am going to take Moose along with me just to make sure I don’t go crazy. The tattooist I use is a good man, and he refuses to do walk-ins, so I am more or less safe from more ink without planning. Ear piercing could happen, but that is easily rectified by letting them grow over (a waste of money, but still a blessing for bad judgement). What else is there? I am looking for new jobs, I honestly am. I sent four applications off just yesterday, but that is just applications. There is the whole interview debacle to get through before change can come in that part of my life. I could go on a trip, but that requires time, inclination and money. I could… I could…

There are so many things I know I could do. I do have options and I am so lucky that I have them. If push comes to shove, at the back of mind is always the thought that I can jack it all in and run back to hide in Somerset with my family. It is not something I want to do because that feels like admitting defeat and running away, but it IS an option.

But… None of them give me the immediate buzz of having done something demonstrable. They are all depressingly grown-up and sensible options. I don’t want to be grown-up and sensible right now. I want someone to come and wrap their arms around me and tell me it is all going to be OK and that they are going to deal with everything for me. I want to curl up on my lovely comfortable new mattress, pull the covers over my head, and wake up in a few months time with a stupendous new job, an amazing flat and brilliant new life in London, all my mental worries soothed away, Prince Charming waiting on me hand-and-foot, and a slimmer body to boot.

Can that happen please?

In light of the fact I live in the real world, I know that the above is not going to happen. Talking it through though, I think I have just found the one “change something” thing that I can go and do – I might go and get me some new spectacles tomorrow. A nice new pair of glasses, that’s what I need. Sorted.

(Yes, depression and “get out the house each day” is turning out to be VERY expensive).

The Humble Trackback

In Print - the article You never know where an innocent link is going to land you. In my case it has landed me with a glow of self importance and a bruised hip, the latter being more related to the former than you might at first glance expect.

I woke up late this morning to a slightly buggy Twitter (get that fixed please, I’m hanging onto my sanity by some very ragged fingernails and tweeting with people is turning into a minor, but important, compulsion that is keeping me going) informing me I was in the Guardian today.

Before I go further with the main points of this post, it is time to digress slightly and talk once again about my broken body. Thanks to a bad back, I have tried pretty much every ergonomic seating option in the book, with varying degrees of success. The latest, thanks in no small part to boredom, depression, and random IM conversations, is a large, blue, bouncy gym ball. The blue bit is not important beyond helping you get a vivid mental image – the bouncy (and large) parts are.

The theory goes that sitting on the bouncy ball will (1) keep me from slouching and (2) keep me moving a little bit. Keeping moving stops the back muscles seizing up and helps to strengthen the stomach muscles at the same time. Just think, I could be blogging myself to washboard abs right now! On top of all that it is just so much fun to be sitting at your computer, idly bouncing whilst you wait for a page to load.

There is, however, a slight problem with using big, blue, bouncy balls instead of a proper seat – it is very easy to fall off them when you are shocked.

I was shocked this morning, so I am now nursing what is promising to be a rather spectacular bruise on my hip incurred when I saw Bill’s, and other, tweets, tried to jump up in surprise, got my legs caught under the desk, and ended up flat on my back on the floor. Luckily I had just finished my morning cup of tea, or it could have been so much worse and led to me trying to recoup the cost of a new keyboard from the Guardian.

I brought my copy of the Guardian and sat back at my desk with slight butterflies in my tummy to see what all the fuss was about. Why was I in the Guardian? I was pretty certain I hadn’t spoken to any journalists lately, and my life, whilst many things, is not particularly worthy of being in print. I smoothed the crackly pages out. I thumbed through the sections till I got the “Technology” pullout. I took a deep breath and turned to page four. I scanned across the page and there, in the middle right, it said “brightmeadow.co.uk” next to words I had written.

In a national newspaper, there is a link to my little blog!!! And words I had written!!!!!

The actual bit of writing itself, an excerpt from this roast, is not one I am particularly proud of. It is a few sentences I threw together because I was compiling the roast whilst in a particularly black mood, needed to introduce a link to an article in the Guardian Tech section that had made me go “hmmmm”, and I couldn’t find my inspiration or originality with a GPS locator.

We will gloss over my displeasure at my literary short comings and temporarily turn a blind eye to the fact this was printed without my knowledge, and just bask in the fact that someone up there in the Guardian thinks I am worthy of being printed in a real, honest to deity-of-choice, newspaper.

Twice. (Yes, some vanity searching turned up a previous mention).

That is twice that my words have been deemed good enough to waste ink and paper on. Wow. Heady times for Bright Meadow and CLK!

Why is this looping me out, making me giggle with girlish glee, and fall off my bouncy ball in equal measure? Firstly, because it is so unexpected. I throw links about like they are close-to-date candy at a Cadburys discount store and I do not expect anything in return. I just want people to read, share and enjoy/be irritated/made to think by the things I find each week. The Sunday Roasts started because I kept missing people off the emails I would send when I found something, and then grew because I love the interaction and discussion they always prompt. You never know where a link is going to land you.

After the surprise, it is making me think yet again about the “you never know who is reading” aspect of blogging and the internet. I know when someone links to me, I will follow that link back out of curiosity. I just never seem to think that it might be possible that it works in reverse too. Add to that, how many people are going to be linking to a (for example) Guardian article at any given time? Yes, there will be software whirring in the background, collating those inbound links, but somewhere along the way a human has to get involved and go “that comment there, let’s reprint it”. Moose got all excited that perhaps I have a secret cadre of fans in press offices around the world, eagerly waiting for the next pearls of wisdom to drop from my blog. Never one to enjoy bubble-bursting, I did have to point out the unlikelyhood of this, and explain the whole trackback/automated software thing.

Not that it isn’t beyond the realms of possibility that I have a secret cadre of fans in press offices around the world, but, well, they haven’t made their presence known to date.

I am also pondering why being in a physical newspaper, even in such a small way, should be making me and those around me feel so proud? (My dad has already asked for a copy so he can frame it and brag to all and sundry, god help us all). Why should paper and ink confer more status than, say, digital columns? Things I have said have been mentioned on a couple of “other people are saying this…” sections of national and international sites. That made me go “cool”, but nothing more. This is making me go “holy hand grenades!”

Is it because, when it comes down to it, print media is physical and therefore tangible? The internet for all its wonders is ephemeral, transient, fleeting, and often times lacking in any form of editorial control. To be in newsprint; a decision was made to put those words, in that section, on that page. And then there is the reach of a physical newspaper – yes, lots of people get their news online (RSS anyone?) but significantly more flip through a newspaper each day.

Lastly, lets go back to the whole “without my knowledge” thing. The following thoughts are wooly and could go either way, because I myself feel very wooly on this topic and could go either way.

It is not a big piece, I know that. My work is currently vaguely covered by a Creative Commons license which states I am happy for reuse of my work so long as it is attributed (as this is). I might be rethinking the wisdom of this, but right now it stands. It is in the “letters” page of the paper, which is traditionally where the average person gets to have their say. All groovy. I have not been quoted out of context or vast swathes of my work reprinted without my permission.

But I never said I wanted my comments in a national paper. Yes, I commented on the Guardian article the first time around, but I made those comments on my own website. Yes, my words are in the public domain but, again, they are on my own blog. If I hadn’t included that trackback, they would be none the wiser on my opinion.

Would I be happier if they had asked my permission before printing the excerpt? Yes. Would I have given permission if they had asked? Almost certainly – if I publish it on Bright Meadow then I stand by it and, context depending, I see no reason why my work could not be reprinted. Do I expect to be asked each and every time and is it reasonable to expect this? Now there you have me. Part of me is going “of course they should damn well ask, I work hard on this blog!”. The other side of me is going “they’re not going to ask, they will just use a piece that doesn’t require them to chase – it’s not like bloggers are exactly hard to find or chary of giving their opinion”. Which way should it be? That I have no answer for.

To take the Guardian’s own phrase, “Comment is Free” – but you can never be sure where it will get you. In my case, it has already landed me in the letters page of a national newspaper without my knowledge. Where else will it end?

Conformity

IKEA truck It is not often you can claim that a blog post is written because of an IKEA mattress, but every now and again circumstances conspire. Yes, this blog post was written because of an IKEA mattress. Intrigued? I invite you to read on a bit more .

I make no secret of the fact that I am a little bit weird. Weird in a good way I hasten to add, not weird in a “cross the street to avoid” way.

I was never one of the sheep at school for assorted reasons but mainly, I am mildly ashamed to admit, because I didn’t think I was good enough to be one of the flock. There, I said it. At the same time, I wasn’t quite strong or brave enough to be one of the true independents. This led to lots of break times sitting hiding in a corridor of the music school, a few good friendships with fellow not-quite-sheep, some good memories and sadly more bad ones.

I have now embraced my oddness and am much happier for it. I finally no longer want to be a baaaaa-girl, though a little part of me craves (and probably always will) the flocks approval. I find myself looking for the odd and the alternative in other aspects of my life as well, from my dress, to the films I watch and the books I read, the websites I visit, and the things I do. I try to surround myself with the unique, preferring to go without rather than opt for the mainstream. It is a bad day when I cross the path of some chav-baaaaa-girl wearing the same shoes as me.

At the same time, there are certain times that conformity is a blessing.

Like when you are buying a new mattress.

I will refrain from boring you with the full moan (Moose has lived it the past three years, and she will confirm it is tedious in the extreme) but for one reason and another, I finally got around to getting a new mattress the other week. Me and my bad back need a good, supportive mattress. It was either shell out gazillions for a full-on orthopedic spring one, or get a cheap(ish) solid foam model. Seeing as how I am moving shortly and who knows where I will end up, the latter made more sense. Which is where IKEA steps up to the plate.

The best sleep of my life was the two years in Liverpool I was sleeping on an IKEA solid foam mattress. IKEA finally do online shopping in my area. IKEA solid foam mattresses (especially this one) are affordable and comfortable. Perfect!

Till you measure your bed frame, because a UK standard double bed is 135cm x 190cm, which is five centimeters narrower and ten centimeters shorter than the closest equivalent IKEA size. You can understand this from IKEA’s perspective – they are not a UK company and they want you to buy their own bed frames. But standard sizes don’t seem to have impacted too detrimentally on the British bed selling market. One of my weaknesses is for bed linen – I just love getting new sets, and with standard sizes you know if you buy a “double” set, it’s going to fit your “double” duvet when you get it home. The alternative… Ooh, bed linen chaos! The thought is just unbearable!

So would the IKEA mattress I had my heart set on fit on my existing bed frame? I risked it for a biscuit, assuaging my reservations with the fact my current mattress has some wiggle room in it and that foam has a certain inbuilt sguidge-factor. It turns out that those 10 cm on the length are quite a lot when you plomp the mattress on the frame *gulp* Thank heaven for it being sguidgy foam and this being one of the times that brute force wins out.

So I have a divinely comfortable mattress, some student nurse is the lucky recipient of my old one (I felt a little guilty bequeathing it on anyone, but she did get it free!), and my back is already thanking me, but none of my old fitted sheets fit. I cannot help but think that conforming a bit more when I was at school would have made my life a bit more enjoyable, and I cannot help thinking if IKEA lopped a few inches off their mattresses they would sell an awful lot more.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am off to buy new bed linen and some flat sheets. A small price to pay for a good nights sleep, but damn, I never was any good at hospital corners.

Once more into the fray

What is it about my brain chemistry that means as soon as the going gets tough, my brain packs up and decides to take a vacation in the Bahamas without me? Here’s hoping that it at least sends me a nice postcard or something.

Yes, my good friend depression is back. Yes, I have been pretending that it isn’t back for a month or so now – having been here before and done this a time or five, I know the signs, but I’ve been ostriching in the vain hope that I was mistaken and that it was all going to go away.

Yeah, so we all know that’s not going to happen, right?

When you go to the doctor to talk about one thing, sit down and burst into tears about something completely different, it’s a good indication that all is not hunky-dory in the world according to Claire Louise Kemp. When the doctor then flat-out orders you off work for a week without you even suggesting it, that’s a good indication that perhaps you are not imagining the situation.

So it’s once more onto the carousel of counsellors and yes/no to anti-depressants and bursting into tears over the stupidist things, and generally being a bitch to my nearest and dearest, whilst pretending that actually all is really well with my world and putting a brave face on it and…

Bleck.

You see, people never know really what to say when you say you’re depressed. “There there, it will all be better soon” is just as irritating as “oh, stop making a fuss, it can’t be that bad” which is about on a par with the blank silence you get from some people, or the forced attempt at normalcy other people prefer to adopt. Which is nothing to knowing that the people who love you most are sitting there chewing their insides out not knowing what to do to help you.

That last is perhaps the worst part about the whole thing. Telling friends and family “here we go again” and watching their faces fall just a little bit. Coupled with the knowledge that zillions have it so much worse so why is it affecting you like this?

I don’t write this for sympathy. Sympathy is one thing guaranteed to have me dissolving into a piteous puddle of tears, and I so don’t look attractive when I cry. I write this because my first reaction with everything is to write it down and see what it looks like on the page. I write this because y’all here in blogland deserve to know what is going on in my delightfully f**ked up head. I write this because why is this part of my life any less blog-worthy than the other random crap that keeps happening to me? I write this because not being honest about things is what tends to get me in trouble in the first place. I have this bad habit of not telling people when things are bugging me, then looking all surprised when everything blows up in our faces, going “you never noticed?”

Plus I always did do my best writing when depressed.

I freely admit I’m doing the British thing of presenting a stiff upper lip to the world and not letting on to what I am really thinking. It’s happening. It’s freaking me out. I’m worried. I’m scared. But I know I will get through this. I wish it wasn’t happening. It would honestly be nice to go for a few months without some different part of me breaking. But having been here before enough times to recognise what’s happening in my head, I know I’ve had it worse. I’ve done the thing I always said I’d do in this situation and asked for help before I started drowning.

Now I just need to be patient while that help does what it does and I need to let my friends and family in past my mile-high walls.

I need to keep writing and I need to keep laughing at the world because the day I don’t glory in how truly bizarre and wonderful our little blue planet is, that is the day you really should panic. See, I’m not that worried about me. A little bit concerned and sorry for myself right now, but not overly worried. I’m scrappy. I’m cute. I’m Cas. No neurochemical glitch is going to stop ME from having fun.

Now if you will excuse me I am off to drink yet another bucket of tea and tuck into the mountainous pile of trashy chick lit I have piled around my bed against just such a situation. Times like this, you need to revisit some old favourites so I think a Georgette Heyer marathon, interspersed with some Jill Mansell for the modern take on things, is just what the doctor ordered when she said “take time to look after yourself”. I might mix in some Wyndham, Asimov, Gibson and Stephenson to stop my brain from pouring out of my ears from an overdose of pink fluff, but we’ll see how it goes.

Love, Cxxx 🙂

That Wednesday Feeling

Insomnia 2 I don’t know if you will know this feeling, but it struck me tonight. The “getting home at the end of after another blah day at work and realise you are committed to writing a blog post but lack any inspiration or inclination” feeling.

I’ve got that.

So I am sitting at my keyboard, flicking through the bits’n’bobs folder of draft posts, happy with none of them, and I have two options as I see them.

1) Screw it. I posted some fiction last night. That can count as my mid-week post.
or
2) Throw something up that is rushed and not ready because I am obliged to post today as I said I would post each Wednesday and it’s barely been a month of this new resolution and I can’t give up so soon.

Neither appeals to me. I could have set yesterdays fiction to be posted today, but somehow my occasional fiction posts are outside of the normal blog framework for me. This blog is personal (or commentary depending on how you look at it) and, whilst my fiction is intensely personal, it is NOT blogging. The stories are an extra.

Gar. So what am I going to talk about this Wednesday?

The new 9rules? Nah. Exciting though this topic is, there’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said much, much better elsewhere. Though huge, massive congratulations to the lovely Esther for gaing her leaf whilst we’re on the topic. Clearly I have the best people commenting on Bright Meadow 😉

Anything else?

Well, there’s always the post I wrote in the midst of a lovely bout of insomnia on Sunday night/Monday morning, but when writing something has you in tears it is probably a good sign that it is a bit too personal to be blogged straight away. The insuing mental upheaval did have me starting to sketch again, which is a change. I have always doodled but I tend to get exasperated that my ability with the pen isn’t enough to translate what I see so clearly in my mind – I guess that is what I write; people’s own imaginations can fill in the blanks I lack the skill to describe – and that exasperation leads me to stop drawing. I like to be good at everything I do, and if I can’t do something well, I just don’t do it even if I enjoy it. So I rarely sketch, but something about Sunday night/Monday morning had me doodling away whilst I thought through some stuff.

But none of it was blog-worthy stuff, so that still leaves me with a Wednesday post and nothing to talk about.

Um. I finally caved and brought a new mattress? No. That’s really not worth blogging about. Talk about scraping the barrel!

I think we shall have to face it. This Wednesday, there really is no point in visiting Bright Meadow. I look back and realise I have taken over 600 words to say I can’t think of anything to say, but that is not new. C’est la vie.

Go, play with better content than mine while I go try and find my inspiration and writing ability. I think they might be stuck down the back of the sofa along with my mojo. Either that or I broke them dancing on Saturday night 😕